A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Restaurant
by QueenHimiko
Summary: Lina just wants to eat a rare delicacy. But the Mazoku race has other ideas. Written as a request for Zoro50 for doing some incredible research. And there's something for the Zel/Amelia shippers!


**AN: I do not own The Slayers, I just play in the sandbox. Apologies to Sondheim for the fic title. Sherra is a character who appears in the novels, though I see this as occurring shortly after the events of NEXT in the anime. Enjoy!**

* * *

The ruins that Xellos was exploring had been abandoned by humanity long ago, and they had been so overgrown that Xellos wasn't surprised that humans, with their short lives and even shorter memories, had forgotten they were even there. And it was all the better for the mazoku race. Xellos hated to think of what would happen if Lina and her gang had found the shelf of Claire Bible manuscripts that he had uncovered! Xellos sipped his tea and then set the cup down before he reached for a tablet. Now that Hellmaster Phibrizo was gone, he was delighted to return to his usual duties of tracking down and destroying Claire Bible manuscripts. Expecting another generic entry, he skimmed the missive, but then his eyes widened as he realized that the information was more valuable than he could have ever guessed.

Without wasting a moment, he teleported to Greater Beast. He was mildly surprised to see her talking to Dynast Grausherra, and made a note to find out why later.

"Xellos?" She asked. "What brings you back here so soon?"

"My Lord." He said solemnly as he bowed before her and smiled, "I found something that I believe will be of interest."

"What have you found?" she asked as she took a drag of her cigarette. Xellos looked at Dynast, but Zelas gave no indication that she wanted him to leave.

"It's a map, detailing the location of the Lord of Nightmare's long lost golden shovel."

"What!?" Dynast exclaimed.

"Are you sure about this?" Zelas asked.

"Well, the information is valid. It is an authentic Claire Bible manuscript! Whether or not the shovel is still there is the question."

"With that shovel I can give up this tiresome plan to infiltrate Dils." Dynast said. "We'd be able to revert the world back to chaos quickly!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Zelas said, "Xellos, go and check this out. Dynast, would you object if he asks Sherra or Grau for help if he needs it?"

Xellos bristled at the mere suggestion that he may have to rely on Dynast's minions for help, but kept his mouth shut as Dynast enthusiastically said, "Yes! Whatever you need, get it done and find that shovel!"

"Oh, and Xellos." Zelas said.

"Yes, my lord?"

"Before you hunt down the shovel, be sure to check on where Lina and her gang are. That human has a knack for being exactly where she shouldn't."

"A wise point! I will locate her at once."

* * *

It was always easy to track down Lina. All he had to do was follow the exotic mix of greed, surprise and panic that her food orders provoked from the restaurant owner unfortunate enough to receive it. Once he'd found her, he watched from the astral plane as the group ate their food. He was concerned. They were close to where the location of the golden shovel was, about a day's journey as far as he could reckon. He hoped that they were just passing through.

"Look," Lina said dramatically as she pounded her fist on the table once they had finished eating, "That last mission was real taxing! We barely got out with our lives! I don't care how much it costs! We deserve to the most delicious, the more tender, that most delectable of seafood dishes! The golden tree crabs! Found only at the Golden Tree Inn at Golden Tree Lake! We're only a day away, it won't put us too badly behind schedule."

Xellos' eyes narrowed. The Golden Tree Inn had once been the Golden Tree Shrine! The exact place where the golden shovel was rumored to be!

"You don't have to convince me." Gourry said with a smile as Xellos reflected that of course the swordsman would do whatever Lina wanted, "Crab sounds delicious!"

"My father had them once. He always told me if I ever had the chance I needed to try them." Sylphiel, someone mostly unfamiliar to Xellos, said, "So to honor his memory, I would like to eat them as well."

"Justice should be rewarded!" Amelia exclaimed. He sighed. No surprise there.

The annoyance emanating from Zelgadis was palpable, and Xellos found himself hoping that the chimera would give them a good reason to change their plans. "Really, I could think of a lot of other things to spend that money on. Besides, it's probably time I separated from the group, anyway."

 _Never count on him for anything useful_ , Xellos thought as he teleported away. _Oh well. Perhaps Sherra will come in handy then._

Lina, meanwhile, caught the look that briefly flashed across Amelia's face when Zel mentioned leaving. "You know, they say the Golden Tree Inn was once a shrine that housed rare Claire Bible manuscripts."

"What!?" Zelgadis exclaimed.

"She's right." Sylphiel said, "My father used to be a clerk there. He helped transport the manuscripts to Sairaag. Though he always joked that they left behind plenty of manuscripts on the best way to prepare crab!"

"And you never know what a new, thorough search might uncover." Lina said. "Priceless stuff gets overlooked and left behind all the time!"

Zelgadis felt his hands bunch into a fist, and then he relaxed, "Fine. I doubt this will be worthy anything, but I'll go ahead and tag along."

"Yay!" Amelia exclaimed, "This will be so much fun!"

* * *

"Me?" Sherra blanched at Xellos' request. "I'm supposed to be infiltrating Dils! I'm making good progress! And you want to pull me off that to distract some human?"

"It's not just any human, it's Lina Inverse!" Xellos said "Just keep her chasing her tail and away from the Golden Tree Inn, or Lord Dynast Grausherra will be most unhappy!"

"And how am I supposed to do that?" Sherra asked petulantly.

"Work it out yourself." Xellos said, "Lina is terrified of slugs, she hates the cold, loves flattery and never gets it, and she's very greedy, so work something out. Now, I've got other things to attend to."

"Ooh, damn you, Xellos!" Sherra spat.

* * *

It was such a lovely day! There wasn't a cloud in the sky. It was neither too hot nor too cold, and a gentle breeze occasionally caressed them. Days like this were what Lina traveled for. Spending the evening with the world's best crab dish would be icing on the cake!

Something fell on her head. Lina assumed it was a bug and sighed as she ran her hand through her hair, and then shrieked as she realized it was a slimy slug! And then another one landed on her arm.

She looked up, and one landed on her face. "Slugs! Slugs! It's raining slugs!"

She ran to Gourry, lifted his hair and hid under it, wrapping her arms around him from the back as the other murmured in disgust over the change in weather.

"But how?" Amelia asked as she brushed the slugs off of her.

"I guess we're going to have to turn around and seek shelter in that town we passed." Sylphiel said. "Is Miss Lina okay?"

"She's terrified of slugs." Amelia explained.

"Aurgh!" Lina shrieked, "We can't turn back! The food is forward!"

"Well, I'm not scared of slugs," Sylphiel said as she winced as a cascade of slugs landed on her, "But this is really gross."

"There will be baths!" Lina said from underneath Gourry's curtain of hair. "Gourry, forward!"

"Right!" Gourry, seemingly unperturbed, said as he walked forward.

Amelia, Sylphiel and Zelgadis watched and shook their heads. With expressions of grim resolve on their faces they plowed forward through the slug rain. "Miss Amelia, do you have any phobias?" Sylphiel asked, and then she spat out some of the slug slime and put her hand over her mouth, "I'm sorry. Perhaps this isn't the best time to have a conversation."

The image of Amelia pressing her body tightly against him in a panicked fuel mania rose through Zelgadis' mind, and he felt himself blushing as he watched Gourry walk with Lina glued to his back. He wondered if the idiot was enjoying it.

"Well, I used to be scared of a lot of things. But then I got out in the world and confronted those fears with my own two fists!" Amelia said as she punched at the air for emphasis, and then made a face at the slugs that landed on her hands. "So, no."

Sylphiel wiped her brow and made a face as she realized she was just smearing slime on her face. Zelgadis smiled, though, as he thought about how much Amelia had grown. In the years he'd known her she'd become a stronger person. And how had he changed? Perhaps he had mellowed a bit. But not enough to let anyone close.

He sighed as the slugs pelted him. He wanted something to show that he was changing. Finding his cure was going nowhere fast. For so long he had felt that change would have to wait until he could become fully human again. But what if the process could start before? He pondered the idea as they walked. It was definitely better than thinking about the slugs.

* * *

Sherra groaned as she saw the group continue doggedly on. Any hope that this would be easy and that she could quickly get back to Dils vanished. But then, she did have to admit that the feelings of distress and disgusted were pleasant to feed off of. She was starting to see why Xellos enjoyed tormenting this group so much. Well, if slugs weren't going to deter them, then she would have to move on to her next plan!

* * *

"Is it my imagination, or is it getting colder?" Sylphiel asked as she started rubbing her hands over her arms, grimacing at the feel of the slime rolling over her skin.

"I thought so too. But it's late in spring!" Amelia said.

"Snow?" Gourry said as he reached his hand out and caught a snowflake. Soon the rest of the group, save Lina, was doing the same as the flurries increased.

"First it rains slugs, now we're seeing a snow storm at an unseasonable time." Zelgadis observed.

"Well, at least the slug rain has stopped." Amelia said.

"Ohh!" Lina moaned from behind Gourry's curtain of hair, "First slugs and now a snow storm! It's as if Mother Nature has it out to get me!"

"I guess she's tired of you Dragon Slaving all of her beautiful landscapes." Amelia said.

"What did you say!?" Lina asked as she moved from behind Gourry's hair and rounded on Amelia, but then turned green as she saw the slime covering the group, and turned back around. "Ugh. Well, the inn with the delicious food will still be there if we get there tomorrow rather than tonight! We might as well find the first place we can to clean up and get out of the cold."

Magically as if on cue, an onsen appeared, nestled in a valley between some rugged mountains. Even through the blanket of snow that was coming down they could see the heat rising from the hot spring. "There! We will stay there tonight!" Lina declared, "And then tomorrow, nothing will stop me from eating golden tree crab!"

* * *

Sherra fumed as she watched as the women got into the hot springs. Now that they were clean and warm, their moods had improved dramatically. That they were enjoying themselves grated on her nerves. She wanted them to be miserable. But she also needed them to stay at the onsen, so upsetting them was not an option.

"Wow, that soap they had really got all of that yucky slime off!" Lina said.

"I'm going to have to ask where they get it from." Amelia said.

"At least this is a nice place to stay for the night." Lina said.

"For the night?" Sylphiel asked. "I don't think this storm is going to end soon."

"Nothing is going to keep me from eating that crab!" Lina declared, "So it'll be a bit cold, I can handle it."

Sherra's hands balled into fists as she realized she was going to have to find another way to keep Lina stuck there.

* * *

"Good morning," the host said at breakfast, "Are you Miss Lina Inverse?"

"Yes." Lina said.

"You seem to have caught the attention of a secret admirer."

"Huh!?" Lina and Gourry both exclaimed.

"Someone offered to pay for all of your meals while you are here, no matter the expense! We have rare delicacies. Omelettes with edible gold."

"Edible gold!?" Lina repeated.

"Secret admirer?" Gourry said, "Lina, this has to be a trap!"

She punched him in the gut. "Who is this admirer?"

"They wished to remain anonymous."

"Well," Lina mused, "I guess it would be worth it to stick around for a bit while I sample all the food. In addition to the omelettes, what else do you have?"

* * *

Amelia was on her way to the hot spring when she heard the sound of a guitar wafting down the stairs. Whoever was playing it did so beautifully, and she felt her heart flutter as she followed the sound up to the top of the building. She eventually found Zelgadis, sitting on a bench in front of a window that looked out to the snowcapped mountains as he played. "Wow," she exclaimed when he finished, "I didn't know you could play."

He reddened a bit, "A little."

"Don't be so modest." She said as she came up and sat down beside him, "I know some court musicians who wish they could play as well."

"I don't get the chance to often. I found this lying around."

"What was that song? I've never heard it before."

He blushed again. She pounced, "Did you write it yourself?"

His blush deepened, "Yes."

"Wow, I never knew you were so talented."

He looked at her incredulously, "You really liked it?"

"Yes! Is it so hard to believe?"

He smiled a little, "I guess it's a good thing. It's called _Amelia's Song_."

"You wrote a song for me!?" she asked.

He looked at the floor and nodded. Suddenly she lurched forward and kissed him quickly on the lips. "Amelia!" he exclaimed.

"You didn't like it?"

"No, but you know that with my body like this I can't…"

She put her finger over her lips. "I want to spend this time I am with you having fun with you. I'm not asking or expecting a long term commitment. But we're here now. Far away from the court and people who would object. And so long as this storm is coming down we're stuck here. And I just want to enjoy this time with you."

He smiled a little and grabbed her hand, "Well, if you put it like that…"

As they started to kiss again, he realized he may have found a tangible way to show how he had changed. Not even a few months ago would he have ever let someone get so close!

* * *

Sherra listened as Lina groused to Sylphiel as she ate, "What's the deal with this admirer staying secret, anyway? Any man who isn't brave enough to face me doesn't deserve my affection no matter how much food he buys me!"

"Then why are you eating the food?" Sylphiel asked as she looked at the pile of plates.

"Because I never turn down free food!" Lina shot back, "But I'm not going to stick around much longer if the coward never shows his face! They don't have crab here, and my stomach is not going to be satisfied until I've had it!"

 _Damn, she's persistent!_ Sherra thought, and then she grinned as a wickedly evil idea came to mind.

* * *

Sherra waited until the girls had left the dressing room, and then quickly materialized and gathered all of their clothes. She disappeared to the astral plane and visited the men's dressing room and raided it for clothes. She then rushed through all of the rooms of the onsen, taking every item of spare clothing that she could find. Those weak, puny humans couldn't go out in the cold without clothes! Between that and their ridiculous hang ups on modesty Lina would have no choice but to remain at the onsen!

* * *

"Our clothes!" Lina said as she stared at the barren dressing room, Amelia and Sylphiel crowded around her.

Sylphiel wrapped her towel more tightly around herself as she looked around. "I know I left them on this bench."

"I remember I put mine beside yours." Amelia added.

"Look, my talisman are here, but my clothes are gone!? What sort of idiot would take clothes you could get anywhere but leave the talisman!?" Lina exclaimed as she turned red with anger, "Someone dares to steal into the dressing room and take my clothes! Oh, they are going to pay!"

Lina strode to the door and then stopped as she remembered that she was only wearing a towel. Then she looked at Sylphiel and Amelia, "What are we going to do? We can't just go running around the hallways in our towels! What if someone sees us!?"

"Well, I have heard that this sometimes happens and that the owners are real understanding." Sylphiel said kindly.

"Alright, then you go and talk to the owner about finding our clothes." Lina said.

Amelia nodded in agreement.

Sylphiel blushed as she tightened her towel around herself protectively, "I guess I walked into that one, didn't I?"

From the hallway they heard Gourry say, "Wow, it looks like we're not the only one whose clothes were stolen! Everyone is walking around in towels!"

"Let's just find the owner!" Zelgadis replied irritably.

The women looked at each other, and then headed for the door and slide it open just enough to poke their heads out. It soon became apparent that they weren't the only ones that the clothing thief had visited. People were walking down the hallway in towels in various states of embarrassment. Zelgadis looked like he wanted to melt into the floor. Gourry, meanwhile, waved to them when he saw them, his other hand clinging to the Sword of Light, completely unperturbed by walking around in a towel, "Hey! Looks like your clothes got stolen too!"

"You say that as if it's no big deal!" Lina said.

"It's warm in here thanks to the hot spring." Gourry said, "And you can buy clothes anywhere once this thaws and we can get to a store. It will be fine, though I guess we're going to have to wait the storm out."

"The storm!" Lina echoed, "That's it! Someone is trying to keep me from eating that delicious crab!"

"Huh?" Amelia said.

"This! The slugs, the storm, the secret admirer, stealing my clothes but leaving the valuable stuff! Someone is trying to keep me from the Golden Tree Inn!" Lina growled, and then she threw her fist in the air, "Well they have another thing coming if they think this will stop me!"

And then she ran into the cold clad only in her towel. "Lina, wait!" Gourry cried as he ran after her.

Zelgadis sighed, "If it's alright with you, I'm going to stay here until this blows over."

"Yeah." Amelia agreed as Sylphiel shook her head as she looked out of the empty doorframe. She shudder as it let the cold in, and then walked over to close it.

"Well, since we're here, do you want to take advantage of the private spring?" Amelia asked Zelgadis.

Zelgadis blushed and looked around. But, seeing as they were stuck there without their clothes, what else was there to do? "Lead the way."

Sylphiel sighed as she watched them walk off, as from the astral plane Sherra started to tear her hair out in frustration. But then she saw Xellos, clad only in a towel but holding his staff, walk up to Sylphiel. "Excuse me, miss." He said.

"Yes?" she asked as she flushed a little.

"I heard that your father used to work at the Golden Tree Shrine."

"My father? Well, yes he did." Sylphiel repeated. "Did you know him?"

"No, but I was at the former Golden Tree Shrine looking for an object that he apparently moved. A golden shovel? Do you remember seeing it by any chance?"

"Oh, well, he used to keep it on our fireplace mantle." Sylphiel explained, "But when Sairaag was destroyed, everything in my house was lost."

"Of course. Thank you for your time." Xellos said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't get your name." Sylphiel said.

But he just smiled as he disappeared and rematerialized in the astral plane beside Sherra. "Alas, it appears as though this was in vain." He said. "Surely it was destroyed along with Sairaag."

"You break the news, then. I've got more important things to do." Sherra said in a huff. "Though, I guess we should figure out what to do with their clothes."

The door opened, and Lina and Gourry, both blue and frozen, ran back in yelling, "Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold!" In record speed they reached the hot spring and dove in.

Sherra's mouth twitched as Xellos said, "Is that really a difficult thing to figure out?"

"It is! Should we burn them, or make them endure discomfort to get them back?" she asked.

Xellos smiled, "Now you're getting it. But I thought you had to get back to Dils."

"I still have a few hours." She said as they prepared to materialize at the onsen with their clothes, "I'm starting to see why you enjoy them so much."

"Glad to have you along!"


End file.
